"Our Search for Belonging"—The Real Talk Breakdown Book Review

Our Search for Belonging: How Our Need to Connect Is Tearing Us Apart

Howard Ross (he/him/his) and JonRobert Tartaglione, MA, MSc have tackled one of humanity's oldest yearnings in 𝑂𝑢𝑟 𝑆𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑐ℎ 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝐵𝑒𝑙𝑜𝑛𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑔: 𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑂𝑢𝑟 𝑁𝑒𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝐶𝑜𝑛𝑛𝑒𝑐𝑡 𝐼𝑠 𝑇𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑈𝑠 𝐴𝑝𝑎𝑟𝑡—and oh boy, do they bring the heat. This isn’t just another book that tells you to sing "Kumbaya" and hold hands around the corporate conference table. Nope. It dives into the hard truth about how our deep desire for belonging can sometimes throw us headfirst into division, and it gets real about why it feels so good, and yet so destructive, to stay inside our little bubbles. Spoiler alert: it's not just about you and your coworkers agreeing on the best coffee brand for the breakroom. It's about the fabric of our society—and maybe your next Thanksgiving dinner, too.

𝑾𝒉𝒚 𝑩𝒆𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑴𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒔

Let’s face it—humans are wired to connect. It’s in our biology. From caveman days to TikTok tribes, we want to be part of something, to feel seen and heard. Ross and Tartaglione brilliantly explain how our brains get a hit of dopamine when we find our “people.” And I mean, who doesn’t love a good dopamine rush? It’s the stuff that makes Friday nights with close friends feel like therapy.

But the book warns us: if we aren’t careful, our need to belong can lead us to seek it 𝑎𝑡 𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑐𝑜𝑠𝑡𝑠. Whether at work, home, or even during a friendly community softball game, we start forming “us vs. them” mindsets. Social psychologist 𝑇𝑎𝑗𝑓𝑒𝑙’𝑠 𝑠𝑜𝑐𝑖𝑎𝑙 𝑖𝑑𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑡𝑦 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑜𝑟𝑦 tells us we’re prone to grouping ourselves into categories, creating in-groups (our tribe) and out-groups (those we wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole). The problem is, this can become divisive—and fast.

The authors argue that while creating cultures of belonging is crucial, not all belonging is healthy. If we’re not careful, we might belong to the 𝑤𝑟𝑜𝑛𝑔 crowd, fostering toxic environments rather than ones that lift us up. So yeah, belonging feels good—but you’ve got to keep an eye on where that sense of connection is leading you.

𝑪𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑺𝒂𝒇𝒆 𝑺𝒑𝒂𝒄𝒆𝒔 𝑾𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝑻𝒐𝒙𝒊𝒄𝒊𝒕𝒚

At this point, you might be thinking, “Okay, so how do we build belonging without accidentally creating a cult-like bubble?” That’s where 𝑝𝑠𝑦𝑐ℎ𝑜𝑙𝑜𝑔𝑖𝑐𝑎𝑙 𝑠𝑎𝑓𝑒𝑡𝑦 comes in—a concept that’s vital to creating environments where people can feel connected 𝑎𝑛𝑑 challenged in healthy ways. Social scientist Amy Edmondson explains psychological safety as the “shared belief that the team is safe for interpersonal risk-taking.” It means your employees, family members, or teammates feel like they can voice an unpopular opinion without being metaphorically shunned. It's basically creating a space where people can 𝑏𝑒𝑙𝑜𝑛𝑔 but not turn into clones of each other.

Ross and Tartaglione highlight that the magic of belonging should allow for differences, not just among our friends but especially with those we don't agree with. That’s where the real work happens—bridging gaps, fostering growth, and learning to 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑎𝑔𝑟𝑒𝑒 without blowing the whole thing up.

𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑷𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒍𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝑴𝒊𝒔𝒈𝒖𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒅 𝑩𝒆𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈

But here’s the kicker: not all belonging is good. Some forms of connection can be downright dangerous, and the authors don’t shy away from this. Think of all the times history has shown us how powerful, tight-knit groups have spiraled into something harmful—groups that started with good intentions but quickly became echo chambers of toxicity. From cults to cliques to toxic workplaces, Ross and Tartaglione caution readers to be mindful of the company we keep.

Psychology backs this up. 𝐴𝑏𝑟𝑎ℎ𝑎𝑚 𝑀𝑎𝑠𝑙𝑜𝑤, of hierarchy-of-needs fame, emphasizes belonging as essential to human fulfillment. But if that belonging is built on a foundation of exclusion, fear, or hatred? That’s not belonging—it’s a prison.

At the end of the day, we all want to be part of something greater than ourselves. But the challenge is to build communities—at work, home, or wherever—that allow for growth, diversity of thought, and genuine connection without veering into tribalism. The authors remind us: it’s not about finding people who always agree with you, but finding people who will respect you, challenge you, and grow alongside you. As the saying goes, “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.”

𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑹𝒆𝒂𝒍-𝑾𝒐𝒓𝒍𝒅 𝑨𝒑𝒑𝒍𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏: 𝑩𝒆𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒕 𝑾𝒐𝒓𝒌, 𝑯𝒐𝒎𝒆, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑷𝒍𝒂𝒚

So, how do you apply these lessons in your everyday life? At work, it’s about fostering environments where 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦𝑜𝑛𝑒 feels they belong, not just the loudest voices in the room. That means creating a workplace culture that thrives on psychological safety—where feedback is encouraged, and creativity can flourish because people aren’t scared of being shot down.

At home, it’s about creating a family culture where people feel valued, seen, and respected. Even if you don’t agree on whether pineapple belongs on pizza (it doesn’t, but that’s for another day), you can still create space for connection and understanding. Community? It’s about being active, participating, and finding ways to belong without building walls that block others out.

And yes, it’s possible to have fun with this too. Let’s not forget that belonging should feel 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝑑—like Friday night board games or that perfect potluck dish that unites even the most divided of friends.

𝑪𝒐𝒏𝒄𝒍𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏: 𝑾𝒂𝒍𝒌 𝑻𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑩𝒆𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑻𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝑫𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝑭𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝑶𝒇𝒇

Ross and Tartaglione’s 𝑂𝑢𝑟 𝑆𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑐ℎ 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝐵𝑒𝑙𝑜𝑛𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑔 is more than just a wake-up call about how our connections are shaping our world—it’s a challenge to step up and create cultures where people feel they belong in ways that are healthy, inclusive, and, most importantly, safe. Because yes, we need to connect. Yes, we need to belong. But let’s make sure the place we’re planting roots isn’t a garden of weeds.

So, when you’re out there building those bridges, remember to check where the other end leads. And whatever you do, don’t just connect—connect smartly.